Wednesday, November 19, 2008

sad lonely cold night

My day went very well yesterday until Chelsea, Chance and I went to Barns and Nobles. We saw this mother and a little boy lugging around big heavy suit cases, they were walking into a empty parking lot right across the main entrance of Lahaina Gateway. The boy looked as if he was my brother’s age. It was supper sad, I wanted to help them supper badly. But what could I have done to make things any easier..? That was before we went there but afterwards when we was leaving it started to drizzle;all I kept thinking about was them. Like where were they going to sleep at? After leaving Lahaina Gateway we saw them make their way across the road into a place where the securities hang out by vitimen world. I think they were going to sleep there, but just the fact they had to do that you know and I saw it with my own two eyes. I would have never thought it could happen here on Maui.

After when we got home I told my mom the story and she agreed it was sad but she mentioned “it’s life, you know you should be thankful for having place to stay”. That’s when it hit me what if I was that lady and Reanne and Kristi were the kids lugging around a fat suit case, what would go through my mind? How would I feel or react. I wanted to help honestly but I felt useless.

How would you feel you and your mom, dad, brother, sister, walking in the middle of the night trying to find shelter. Your only in the 4th grade and you don’t know what to do but listen to them. Your homeless just for the night. What would go through your mind? What happened earlier that night that caused you to lug around a suit case.

I felt like I was selfish because I couldn’t help. I knew I shouldn’t but I didn’t..

But other than that I have another story or blog from the ‘dude’ enjoy.

f. amélie

Don't READ this blog. REMEMBER it.

: No one's gonna like this blog.

MY HEART: Huh? What makes you say that?

: Because this blog is about your
family and your childhood. You think people
want to read about your personal life?

: Maybe...

: Well, they don't. The only reason
why people ever read your blogs is because they
want advice. They want you to give them hope.
They want you to make them FEEEEEEL good.
But they don't PERSONALLY care about what
happens in your life.

: You're a meanie...


* * *

When I was a kid my mom used to dress me up
like the world's biggest queer-nut.

Socks up to my knees. Mushroom haircut.
Shirt tucked into my underwear. Shorts that went up to my belly button.
I seriously looked like Curious George minus the Man with the Yellow Hat.

But I miss those days.

I miss the days when all that mattered was:
Mario Bros. Donkey Kong.
Playing Duck Hunt
with Your Face two-inches from the Screen.
Slip & Slide. Inflatable Swimming Pools.

I miss...
Tetherball. Freeze Tag. Volleyball with a Balloon.
Piggy Back Rides. Connect Four. Coloring Books.

I miss...
Getting Glue Stuck on my Hand and Peeling it Off.
Saved By the Bell. Step by Step. Family Matters.

I miss Sebastian the Crab and Flounder.
I miss Bebop and Rocksteady.

I even miss having girls tell my fortune:
Pick a number. 1-2-3-4.
Now pick a Color. B-L-U-E.
You're going to have an Ugly Husband.

But it's all changed now.

* * *



My cousins in L.A. have changed as well...

* * *

This year, Thanksgiving was held at my cousin Athena's house.
And it was AWKWARD.

Our whole lives, the grown ups cooked and cleaned.
This time, it was the cousins who cooked and cleaned.

As we awaited the arrival of the relatives,
I observed Athena playing with Phoebe (her pet rat).

And that's when the truth hit me
Were getting OLD.

We pay bills. We work two jobs. We're almost done with college.
We have friends who've died. Friends whove gotten married.
We've been in multiple car accidents. We drink Starbucks.
We read newspapers...


* * *

And INSIDE, its even worse
Because deep down we're scared.
We're scared because we're in our twenties and we still
don't really know what we want to do with our lives.

When we were kids, we dreamed of becoming millionaires.
Now we just hope to make $25,000 a year.

When we were kids, we dreamed of the perfect marriage.
Now we're so scared of being alone that we settle for
unfaithful jackasses or paranoid control-freaks.

When we were kids we dreamed of a beautiful life with a
happily ever after. Now we believe mediocrity is our destiny.

The world has become a cold, cynical place.
Innocence is GONE.

* * *

On Christmas Eve, I received a visit from my BEAUTIFUL nieces.

Queen Sophia
(Believe it or NOT, she doesn't cry when i hold her anymore!)

And Princess Sara (She just learned how to walk... like a chimp.)

* * *

You want to know why I love playing with them?
Because they're time machines!

Playing with them brings me back to a time when politics,
religious debates, and drama didn't matter.

As a child, we only know one thing:
As long as we are in the arms of the people that love us,

* * *

Perhaps this is what Jesus meant when he said to have
Faith like a child.
To know that as long as we put our trust in Him, we don't need to worry.
We can live, give, and forgive OVER and OVER again

Because we rest in His arms.

©2006 Brendon James, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, October 31, 2008

A Talk I Won't Forget...

Hey everyone well it’s been a while since I’ve last blogged, and I would like to say sorry I haven’t been blogging in a while. Well I know for some while now I have been VICTIMIZING myself, into getting every bodies attention, and I would like to take the time to honestly apologize to everyone.

I’m sorry if I had made anyone to be very furious with me; I honestly wasn’t think straight at the time and wasn’t thinking about the consequences. Please forgive me.

I had a heart on heart talk with someone who made me realize all of this and I’m glad he told me everything, well everything I needed to hear and I didn’t know how people saw me but anyways he set things straight with me.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, I want to think I’m still in a depression phase but I don’t want to say that as an excuse no longer more. But how he told me was maybe I’m trying to find myself, wait set back who am I really..? I no longer know who myself is, me as a person.

But from the feedback I got it wasn’t good nor bad it just made me want to change. I need to change to better relationships with others. I don’t want to lose friendships because of how I react to things and I no longer want people to pitty me.
I want to change honestly I do. I want to be me, the real me. But who is that girl everyone once knew..?

I’m going to change it might take me a while but I’m going to do this.
But this goes out to Kevin, Ande, David, Aleina, Jerrica, Mj, Aunty, Uncle and everyone whom I hurt I’m sorry and I really mean it I didn’t to make you mad at me or any feelings towards me awkard. It’s my fault and now I realize that please I hope I can make our relationship how it was in the past. I’m really ashamed at myself for acting how I did, it was stupid, dumb and childish please forgive me. Love you guys.

- Amber

p.s thanks Ande for the talk, we didn't have one in a long time. I needed it...

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Weekend Recap

I really really need to vent. My weekend was full of emotions. On thursday me and the two girls went over to kihei, knowing that Dez was leaving the day after. So ande threw a going away cookout for her at the house it was fun in the beginning until some random people came to the house and not introduce themselves. Ande made it supper clear that he was pissed, cause hell only rude they come over to someones house no introduce and just sit the fuck down. I'm glad he said that something cause it's seriously fucked up.

But any ways I was starting to get annoyed by Kevin because he just left and went in the back to gamble, and I’m like, whoa you promised me you wouldn’t. Like for my situation his promises are like nothing to him. So I can’t trust him seriously. So he was gambling and how he complains about having money, like WHY ARE YOU EVEN GAMBLING ANYWAYS..?!

So he gambled and I gave him the eye to know I was mad and he knew I was but he kept on going. I went back so much times I was getting so irritated. Then I sat down next to him kicking him and he still never stop. He only when stop when Uncle brought Reanne in the back. Then his friends was like what ahh last round blah blah blah, oh Kevin you bank and he started to deal the cards and I was like do you even have fuckin money. And I took Reanne and walked away. I was so mad at him. Daymn I’m mad at him right now cause he suppose to be home at 11 its almost 11:30 and no phone call from him. See that’s another PROMISE he broke. Fcuk I’m so sick of it.

More worse the next day when I went to work, I found out that my supervisor and boss is assuming that I’m stealing money “AGAIN” yup this isn’t the first.. How messed up is this. I mean common why would I do that when I just came back to work. Fcuk just because on the days I’m working were somehow short, fcuk look at how we do paper its so daymn complicating now shit get over it maybe you just fucked up on the paper work to say were short. Fcukin shit. UGH.

How lucky am I, I found out something else that made me even more mad. This person I thought I trusted is a stupid conniving son-of-a-bitch. He told somebody something about me and my daughter. Shit I can understand me but fuck he crossed the line when he included my daughter. That is fucking wrong. How dare you. You can’t go around saying someone else’s business if it has nothing to do with you stupid fuck. And just because she doesn’t look like Kevin doesn’t mean I cheated on him. How the fuck can you tell seriously she’s not even 3 months. Fuck parental features doesn’t show until later. Ugh then he downgraded my daughter saying something even more fucked up (not going to post it because ya, its personal and shit) Plus if this was a joke, its not a very good one, that kind of joke breaks up families. Its not even close to be considered joke, its joking when that person is there but if its behind their back then its fuckin not considered joking..! So when I see him next time I’m am going to fucking explode. Forreal fuck just thinking about it makes me want to fuckin “RAGE”.

So the picture above is for him (I did that at work tonight, cause I was boredddd)
But ya that’s my venting part. Moving on to my non-venting part of this blog.
My daughter Reanne is finally the BIG ONE..! One year went by very fast, I still remember when I was a junior in high school and everyone asking are you pregnant and I said no. Then I broke down and cried and said yes I am to my mom. Then my 3 baby showers I was given. Then she came. Aww my sweet little baby girl Reanne. I admit I get mad at her for the stupidest things but I love her so much she means the world to me, even Kristi my two girls are my everything. I’d do anything for them. And then next year Kristi will be one. Then Reanne will be two then aww, man can we just PAUSE LIFE for a second cause I never want them to get big. I want to remember this when they were little you know. Now that Reanne is one, I cant hold her the way I held her in the hospital. She’s getting so big, so fast it just makes me want to cry because shes my first born. I love both of my girls evenly I just wish they won’t grow up too fast. Huh… I love it.
So recap Dez’s flight got delayed so she stayed in Oahu for the night and guess what, that girl is back on Maui. Suckin Dez ahh you just wanted for see us cry ahh. Haha keeding but I have so much pictures I’m going to post those bitches.

Yay for fag-hags huh =) You so gottah love them Gays..!

Monday, August 04, 2008

Bekind Rewind....

Before I start talking about my weekend. I just want to say thanks for coming on my page and reading my life. But dude who is from Oslo, Oslo. I mean thanks for coming to my page but you come a lot and I’m like WHOA. Haha

So let me recap this weekend. So from Friday through Sunday afternoon Kristi and I was in Kihei and there was a lot of things going on I have pictures to prove it so on Friday night everyone came over and just chilled, drink and smoke hookah. It was a drama night seriously. I am not going to mention any names but ya, DRAMAS. And then my I had my shut down mode where I felt left out and out of place so kept to myself in the house. And when Kevin came home I told him how I felt and he tried to make things better somehow, Thanks Babe (for once) lmfao.

Then later on in the morning let me just say “I’M DONE” it’s a inside joke.

Saturday I came black, or just a tad-bit darker we went owama fishing at the reserve. It was fun, daymn fishes. I had five attempts but only one catch. Haha was so funny my arms are so short that they gave me a net to try and catch the fish and that’s how I caught my one. But it was uncle, Kevin, Ande, David and I at the beach. Kristi was home with aunty. David took kevins boogie board and hit the waves. =)

Then later on that night went to wall-e world. (Walmart for those who haven’t seen Ickest) After wall-e world went back to the house and cruise. Kevin wanted to hookah so he did. He acted as if he was like stoned. It was the funniest shit ever. I’ll try to find someplace to upload it cause its supper buss laugh. But that’s about it went home early on Sunday caused I worked.
I’m so happy I started work. I so need the money. But ya that’s my weekend.

Later – amber

-pictures are in no particular order-